July 20, ’13
“EMILY: “Does anyone ever realize life while they live it…every, every minute?”
I often think of Emily when I’m working on my paintings because I feel that I go into a place in my mind – to a safe, comfortable, even happy space in the past — when, for a small space in Time, I am now who I was then.
This morning I’ve gone back into time to another hot day, in the old cemetery in Watertown.
As with many of these old paintings I never finished and hope to actually ‘finish’, I not only go back in Time but into the layers of paint I’ve previously applied to build the image from an arrested moment in time; I think I’ve painted and re-painted these paintings over and over and over, can’t even count the number of times…. Which is the definition of insanity…. I frequently experience a sense of hopelessness about all the time and energy I’ve expended to come right back to where I started from, having expected different results…. Without much question or argument, I get up in the morning and start over. Sisyphys….
The break I took to paint the Milk Can has yielded a significant learning experience and the sense of hopelessness is fading – somewhat.
I painted the Milk Can with Acrylics, which I seem to have in abundance — many hues in many tubes. All materials were in abundant supply, for that project. My supply of oil paint is also abundant but I know in my innermost being that I haven’t nearly enough to complete the 30-50 paintings I unearthed a few years ago – and that may be one of my problems, wanting to do so much with so little…. I’m being cheap with paint. I have little trust or faith that there’s a future with the funds to buy more paint when I need it.
When I came back to working on my series after I did the milk can and recognized I was stingy with the paint, I decided to focus on a few of the paintings and overlook/ignore the remainder that’s stacked in my bedroom, out on the porch or in the 2nd bedroom that I use as a giant storage closet.
The few, to me are looking closer to how I envisioned them – not quite there, but closer. That’s where I am in The Process, today.
Today is hot but not nearly as hot as yesterday, the day before and most of this past week. The sky is overcast, covered by a thin veil of gray, which weakens the power of the sun and reduces the values of light and dark. The air is less oppressive and there’s a slight but persistent breeze. I sense a storm in the making and think it will be a doozy. It would have to be a doozy to break this heat…. The weather report for this area backs me up in my sense of storm; the report used the adjective ‘severe.’