June 28, ’13
It’s a little after 8am. My house smells like the chocolate cake that’s baking in the oven. I’m making Cupcakes to take to my mother today when I go to have birthday lunch with her and a mutual friend. I’m not out of bed earlier than usual, but I usually don’t bake so early.
Since Wed. morning, the sound of children has been absent from this house. I have no idea why this is happening or how long this peaceful time will last, but that’s the way it is in the Now and I’m enjoying it immensely. And am keeping to my goal to aim for more…. This peace is why I signed on the dotted line to live in this house. There’s been precious little quiet enjoyment since I moved in, so am enjoying this long period of quiet and absence of dysfunctional inter-mural drama. I’m aware of how much tension there’s been every time I relax. Some of the awareness comes to me from noticing how many times I’ve cringed to the pounding above and have become conditioned to cringe at a precise and predictable moment, like one of Pavlov’s dogs. The noise isn’t here, I’m still cringing on schedule…. I’m enjoying the sense of being aware of that cringe and then letting it go. I’m also aware that as much as I’m letting down my guard, there’s a place within that’s waiting for the other shoe to drop…. The Guard in me is grateful for this space of resting and healing.
A rain that started out as a gentle summer early morning rain is now becoming more serious in intensity and the street looks like a river.
The drama between me and Ms Upstairs increased this past Tuesday afternoon. I was inwardly shocked at the intensity of her anger as well as greatly alarmed. Reminding myself that for the one finger pointed at me there’s 3 pointed back at herself, I made the choice to behave as if I hadn’t heard the very unkind thing she said about me to her children. My sense was that her comment was intended to be heard/not heard so I chose the latter in lieu of spewing out words expressing some very unkind & troubling thoughts I have about her, like I might have done if I were say, 12. Those words she spoke were fighting words back on the play yard in school and that’s what alarmed me; her thinly veiled attack/my immediate reaction, as if she’d gone for my throat right then and there…. Had she actually gone for my throat, I would have defended myself unto death – that’s the intensity level of the adrenaline rush I experienced from my perception of her projected anger. I finished my business and went back inside pausing long enough on the doorstep to smile at Ms Upstairs and throw her a little peace-sign. A gesture that wasn’t intended as sarcastic or bitter, just a message of hope for mutual peace.
Then, there was. For now, anyhow….
I hope that Ms Upstairs and her children are experiencing & enjoying a similar sense of peace, wherever they are, whatever they’re doing….