Dec 21, ’12
It’s barely daylight; the sky is dark, overcast and a heavy rain is falling. I’m looking out on a street that’s lit by an orange streetlight. Rain is going downhill, like a river.
My heart is heavy, can’t deny it. My sadness from having to move from this well-established and well-loved home is hanging heavy on my heart today. The load on my mind as where to go and what to do with my STUFF is also heavy. I long to hide-out in more sleep.
I looked at a 3rd storey apartment yesterday, across the street from where I am now. I can see the house and the apartment from my front window; have been looking at this house and apartment for years, but with different eyes. Everything about that apartment is perfect except for the small size. As to what happens to the STUFF that won’t fit in that space is a heavy puzzle in my mind– I just don’t want to go there although I know I must. So much has to go and at this point in time, I’m dreading the loss.
Today is Winter Solstice — a marker between Fall and Winter. Me in my rose-colored glasses looks at this day as being one important step closer to Spring. In a few more weeks, after many steps forward, we’ll begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And me today, with my leaden boots and heavy heart. The steps forward to the moment when I see the light at the end of the tunnel seem enormous & difficult.
I’m feeling a sense of irony at this situation. Early last spring I felt a sense of Release, when I decided that I didn’t need to worry about all my stuff and where to go next as The Universe wasn’t asking me to do that but instead insisted that I Occupy every inch I owned, to plant my garden and tend to my soul.
Yesterday was sunny and pleasant, a day that looked and felt like early spring. The ground was soft and yielding as I dug up a few plants from my garden. They were doing just fine but must be in pots so as not to be owned by The Bank, which is now my pro-tem landlord. I felt a surge of anger and disappointment all over again, since first discovering the Legal Notice on my door that told me to vacate w/in 6 weeks or risk an eviction notice. I felt a renewed sense of scathing bitterness toward my former landlord, equal to the heavy and tearful sense of compassion I have for him and for the 6 or 7 families who have been dispossessed as a result of his actions and any family ever, who’s been dispossessed in a similar manner –or worse!
Gallows humor in this house. “How does it feel to be Homeless?”
Being Homeless Sucks!